Independence

Today I remind myself that I am free. That freedom entails responsibility -- to live my gifts, to find joy, to sparkle and shine against the darkness.

I've been down lately. Partly because the summer holds no schedule, no ongoing opportunity for me to do what I do well in front of people. Partly because my brain is mean to me. Partly because my house is a mess, my supports have fallen to earthquakes and tidal waves, partly because a living love still means going it alone most of the time.

I forget sometimes. That the reason I left the comfort and security of my marriage was to ford the waters of the unknown, to find my own way, and that the going is rough. I haven't been doing it for that long. I haven't been doing it that well.

Or maybe I'm doing it just fine, it just takes longer, with more renewed effort, more persistence than I have recently been able to muster.

Really? Does independence really come down to getting the laundry and the dishes done? I thought it was writing the novel, creating works of art, holding a family in the arms of my disheveled but loving house and hoping for the truth to shine through. Now I see that I had dreams, dreams that weren't realistic. But are any dreams really realistic? Do I have to shelve them for the practical? I am not what I thought I would be. I am brilliant and beautiful and lazy and depressed. I am searching for a way to find God in all the mess, and sometimes I cannot hear, cannot see, and yet I must keep going.

Independence. It is what my parents always wanted for me. From the moment I could speak. Yet, I still long for the comfort of partnership, of companionable work, of not doing everything by myself.

But today I will do the work so I can feel accomplished. So I can have the home I want in which art and love and living can flourish. Today I will celebrate that which I left behind for a new start, and I will recognize that independence is not easy, is hard-won, is a victory worthy of fireworks and sparkle and show, and I will get to work.

Responsibility. Work. Fireworks. It's all there for the taking on this hot fourth of July.