it is.
there is this myth that exists in my mind -- that the father of my children will have some form of positive regard for me and my well-being just by virtue of the fact that I mothered his children. i am unfortunately continuously reminded of the fact that this is simply just not true.
and the real problem is that i still fail to integrate that reality into my mindset.
time for a change.
some post-divorce truths, as i see them:
- no matter the level of kindness that did or did not exist previously, none will exist ever again, even if i continue to offer it.
- if it were up to him, i would vaporize and all traces of my existence would go with it.
- i somehow do not feel that way, except when he proves yet again what a great move it was on my part to get divorced.
- if there is an opportunity to screw me or be generous, i should anticipate and expect the default screwing
- life is separate and not equal
- our children think he's wonderful, and i must perpetuate that myth
- the years spent devoted to marriage, childbearing and child-rearing cannot be recaptured, will not be compensated for, and cannot be reclaimed in living or the workplace.
- freedom and faith never make sense on paper
- no matter what he says or does, i am worthy of everything good
- it is always worth it, except when hormonal or clinically depressed. and that passes.
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When I had a shocking, heart-breaking loss of trust / love / commitment / support / relationship handed to me out of the blue by my partner in May, a Rabbi friend recommended the book Crazy Time. (Actually, she gifted me with a copy, available for loan to poets.) The book might more benefit my ex-partner, who had recently gone through a divorce (which as I imagine, is even more challenging / messy than my loss of (extra-legal) relationship). The book might be of benefit to you too.
ReplyDeleteIt's basically a reassuring reality check, with lots of anecdotes / case-studies, about the 'turbulence' and various stages that many, many people go through as part of the healing and/or moving-on process after a divorce.
Sam,
ReplyDeleteYou got it right on all counts. As a mediator I see so many people in conflict and so much tension...much of it is insurmountable.
I can taste the bitterness and the sweetness of your togetherness and apartness, and appreciate how eloquently you turn a phrase and let me in...thank you for that.
In the midst of my own personal relationship angst, what I do know is that when I look at my kids, hold them, see their smiles and hear their laughter...I realize I done good...and that's enough